At 35 weeks in things are getting close to the 'beginning line'. I'm excited, nervous, impatient and happy all at once.
For me it was a couple of weeks ago that I started really thinking about the birth and what it would be like for me. I am aware that I am considered 'high risk' and that being diagnosed with APS meant it was likely that the birth might not be a straight forward process. So I left it a while before asking my obstetrician if that would be the case. When I finally plucked up the courage he answered me in his calm, nonchalant way - No, I would not be going into labour naturally; Yes, there would be certain considerations that would need to be made as a result of my body's over eager need to clot itself up.
So there it was. Things suddenly felt a lot more real. He'd obviously been thinking about it a lot more than I had, evidently.
In my case it means that I'll have to be induced, that they'll take me off my injections for the duration of the labour and then whack me back on them as soon as the tiny little one has made their entrance into the world. There's also the possibility of a c-section if my body struggles. But that's just my circumstances - there's plenty of other reasons why birth doesn't turn out to be an intervention free experience for a lot of women.
It took a weekend of confused tears and blurting out my previously unexplored beliefs to James about what giving birth should be like to allow me process it all. I was afraid of a c-section, the possibility of going under and not being awake when the baby arrived; and I thought that inducing might in some way hurry along a little baby who hadn't decided it was time to move out yet. Cue more tears and helplessness.
And then I stopped. I stopped creating stories and I remembered how we got here - we were at this place because I was having a baby, a baby that we've wanted for such a long time. Suddenly the what and how didn't matter anymore. All I was focused on was this baby making it's way into the world and me being there healthy and well to be it's mum.
When we know the time is coming I'm going to give baby the heads up so it can pack it's bags and we can work as a team and I've reconnected with giving this little soul Reiki. I'm packing my bags too (just in case). From here on in I am surrendering to whatever the experience will be.
With a mind open to experience and a heart full of love, we wait.
(To read more about our journey to this point go here)
