'R' Rated

R is for 'Rhoids - Hemorrhoids.

Before we recoil in disgust and embarrassment, here are two stats:

In a 2001 study 120,000 Australian women self-reported having hemorrhoids, with a significantly lower 89,000 men reporting the same thing. http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/h/hemorrhoids/stats.htm

Approximately 50% of the USA population will suffer from hemorrhoids at some point in their lives. If you're a pregnant woman you're more prone to getting them. So if we lived in the States either YOU or I would have them. Lucky for you, I've had them. http://hdtreatmentcenterofraleigh.com/uncategorized/hemorrhoids-by-the-numbers/ 

Side note: Please do not make the mistake I made in googling 'hemorrhoids images'. Nobody, I repeat, nobody needs to see that.

So whilst we might avoid every possible conversation on the topic, the reality is that if you've had, are having or thinking of having a baby, your odds are pretty good to be having a downstairs visitor come to stay.

I'm not gonna lie, having hemorrhoids has not been the most awesome experience of my life - shock, huh? It took me a while to catch on to what was happening as a little bit of discomfort then suddenly turned into real deal pain. You see, post birth there are so many crazy things going on with your body that even the most in tune person can't keep track of everything that's happening. A niggle here, a bit of pain there - it all begins to feel pretty normal when you're averaging about an hour and a half's sleep at any given time. A quick trip to the doctors and some unpleasant probing confirmed my suspicion - I had the 'rhoids. I could go into a long list of the things that I've done in the process to heal them, but it doesn't make for thrilling reading. Get in touch if there's something you want to know and I'll happily tip my bag of 'rhoid tricks onto the cyber table. What I will tell you is that water is your best friend. I mean, water was already like a close friend, but now, we're heaps closer. BFF.

I also copped another little buddy called a fissure - which conjures up in my mind tiny little people with tiny little fishing rods catching tiny little fish. And I guess it feels a bit like that. In any case its a tear, it can bleed and it really hurts. May I remind you - water is your BFF. Go out right now and buy one of those necklace sets that has the split heart that says 'best' on one piece and 'friends' on the other.

After becoming much more acquainted with the lower half of my body, I realised that I felt a little uncomfortable sharing with others what was going on. Why is that? I'll happily tell you that I just banged my funny bone on my elbow, or I've got a mouth ulcer - why is it any different telling you that I have a small tear in my anus? Ah! Even typing that still makes me cringe! (I still have a way to go obviously) Interestingly, I was sitting with some friends the other day (male and female) and pushed myself to bring up the topic. One of my male friends (who never shies away from the reality of a situation) exclaimed, "Yeah! Apparently like half the population have them. Talk about it.". And so I am.

I hate the thought of a new mum already struggling with the pressure and chaos of a new bub then being whacked with the 'rhoids and not feeling comfortable talking to anyone about it. If you've got them, get to a doctor, or better still a doctor and a naturopath so they can help you sort out your diet to heal the little critters as soon as possible. Hopefully your experience with the GP will be a little more heartening than mine. Her advice to me was, "Ok, so no sitting for long periods of time and no heavy lifting." - you do realise, lady, when I said that I had a 6 week old baby, that meant I HAVE A 6 WEEK OLD BABY. All I am doing is either sitting on my butt feeding her or carrying around all 3.5kg of her.  So helpful.

What has been helpful is having the courage to talk about it. Yet again, people come out of the woodwork with their stories and experiences. People - we have to get better at this talking business! I instantly felt so much better that Becky or Matt had dealt with the 'rhoids before (I made up those names in case anyone I know called Becky or Matt thinks I'm writing about them). They weren't freaks. I wasn't repulsed by them. They still seemed to have healthy, functioning sex lives. They'd not been outcast from society. This gave me hope that I too may be allowed to remain in mainstream society even though some of my digestive system was having a hard time keeping it together.

The reality is people -  we get the 'rhoids. Not all of us, but definitely someone you know. We're like an underground club, but without the password to get in.